I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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