He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
