How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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