It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
