today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
