don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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