I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
