just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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