Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
