She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
