we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
