i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
