now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
