I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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