This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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