how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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