They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
