Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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