I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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