New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
