I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize