im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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