I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
