I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
