How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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