I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
