sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
