Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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