its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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