I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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