oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
