I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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