dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
