I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
