took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I will pee on everything he values.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
