Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How does it feel to date your dad?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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