I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
