He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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