forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
