My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
