Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
