I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
