My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
