Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
