He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
