I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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