This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
