he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
is it fun? or sober?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
