I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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