I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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