is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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