worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
