I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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