If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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